watching you through my tears
by zozoxxoth
Summary: watching you through my tears is a story about lucas' abusive chilhood, and the emotional downnward spiral that he suffers, the story contains flashbacks and present scenes...hope you enjoy...:
1. Chapter 1

-1Watching you Through my Tears

Walls. Walls are built to protect, to protect people from the things that they are too scared to see, to feel, or be aware of. Whether it be the slow decay of time or the unstoppable force of the outside world the walls that kept you hidden and safe will crumble, and when they do, there is nothing that can save you.

My name is Lucas Scott, I am sixteen years old. I learnt form a very young age that to survive in a world that shows no mercy you must make sure that you remain unseen, unknown and uncared for, and for me that really wasn't a problem. I would love to sit here and talk about my lovely, perfect childhood but fortunately for you my life has been very far from that. The real downfall of my life began at age eight. My mother, Karen Roe, started seeing a man named Rick. Rick was the perfect boyfriend, and to many he seemed the perfect substitute father; he seemed. My mom would leave me with Rick for hours on end, as she slaved away at the café. I would have to sit and watch as Rick tied rubber round his arm, his off white shirt shoved clumsily and desperately as far up as his collar, removing from his briefcase powders that often shone whiter than his shirt. I used to think how I was the only one who knew this, his perfection being the result of him constantly breathing in this white powder, or melting it down to it's core, trying to get the very essence of good in him. It sounds silly now, but at the time it was the only sense I could make of a situation unfathomable for an eight year old, especially one from Tree Hill.

_Flashback…_

Lucas had been sitting in his room for maybe an hour after arriving back from the river court. His mother

once again would be working late into the night or maybe the early morning. So like most nights it would be just him and Rick in the house, Lucas wished more than anything Keith could be there, to protect him, but Rick did not approve of Keith. He had not yet heard the deep voice beckoning him to dinner, but from the loud clanking and the large variety of swear words reaching his ears he could feel that it was not long off.

"Lucas, your goddamn food is ready." As soon as he heard his voice Lucas' heart sank. He prepared to leave, but his small hand hesitated as it approached the door. He began to hear the loud sound of Ricks feet hitting the creaking floor, at the sound of this he retreated further into his room as the door swung open. "you ungrateful ass hole I said your fucking food is ready." as Rick spoke he grabbed Lucas by his t shirt and roughly led him into the kitchen. Lucas sat on the chair and stared down at his food, Ricks food never compared to his mothers, in comparison it barely looked like food. "Eat your fucking food you bastard" Lucas felt his cold, strong rings hit the side of his face sending a hot trickle of blood run down his cheek and him to the floor. He could not stop the tears that were falling from his eyes, even though he could hear Rick shouting at him to shut up. As Rick walked, forward Lucas felt his foot harshly connect with his face sending Lucas violently falling backward. Lucas looked up at him begging him to show mercy, but in his eyes all he could see was cruelness. He grabbed Lucas' head and slammed it on to the wooden table, as Lucas' eyes became level with the table he caught site of the injection lying on the table. He could see Rick soon become aware of what he was looking at, and a laugh that sent razors down his back soon escaped from his mouth. He grabbed Lucas by the arm and with all his weight on his ribs he held him down, causing them to crack. With a viscous smile he inserted the needle. Lucas cried for help but the pressure on his chest restrained him, he tried to fight the feeling that he soon would grow accustom too, but soon fell into the darkness that surrounded him.

Sorry Please may people review if they would like me to continue…thank you for reading hope you enjoyed…: )


	2. i would do anything for you

-1 Lucas lay on his bed trying suppress hot tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes, distracting himself, trying to be strong as he nervously grappled at the sleeves of his only suit, which after this long day had become crumpled and worn down, so that his appearance resembled the wilting taking place within.

From his now darkened room he could still hear the sound of his mother making petty small talk with people who held no importance to the Scott household. To Lucas their voices sounded like nails being scratched down a board with nothing but intentions of venom, but he was too tired, to weak to make any type of complaint towards them. The pain he had felt from such a young age, the pain his mother never knew about, the pain he had felt that had weakened him until it had taken hold of all of him and could be found in every nerve of his body, there was nothing stopping it, all he could do was wait.

_Flashback…_

Pain. Pain is something every human life experiences, whether it be emotional, physical, intentional or unstoppable it lives in us all. The problem with pain is no one can ever really understand another persons as no pain is ever the same. Lucas as a boy, like most had been given the necessary injections for his health, but no injection had ever filled him with such a state of delirium. He could feel his body convulse as the liquid, that felt like razors coursed through him. His body shook uncontrollably causing his teeth to bite down onto his already split lip and making his mouth once again fill with the salty taste of his blood. Lucas sat pressed with all the strength he had up against the kitchen wall he could not understand having just taken something so pure, so white why his body was unable to stop shuddering and retching as Rick stood over him not feeling anything other than complete enjoyment. Moments later Lucas heard the sound of his mothers car pull into the drive way, he tried to stand, to run to her and beg her for help, but as he tried to raise himself with his thin Arms an unbearable pain was sent crashing through his chest, causing him to release a whimper that made Rick smirk with enthusiasm. As soon as Ricks smirk had appeared it soon vanished as he heard Karen approach the door.

"Get up off your fucking ass" Rick said kicking Lucas as hard as could. He repeated himself several times, but when he soon realised that Lucas wouldn't, or couldn't stand he grabbed him fiercely by the arm and dragged him into his room.

"Look at me kid, your mother is about to walk through that door, and when she does you better keep your mouth shut, that's if you don't want me to do the sane to her." by the horrified look that spread across Lucas' face Rick was more than aware that what he had said had gotten through to Lucas.

" You worthless piece of crap, like she would have cared anyway." he slammed the door, leaving Lucas lying lifeless in the dark. Lucas heard his mother enter the house and greet Rick warmly, as she entered the Kitchen he heard the panic in her voice at the sight of blood and vomit that Rick had carelessly left on the floor.

"What happened in hear, where's Lucas, is he okay?" Karen spoke softly but there was obvious fear written across her face.

"hey, hey Karen look at me" he said tilting her face towards him, and throwing her a sweet smile, " Lucas came back from the river court and he felt a little faint, he fell and hit his head, he's a bit bruised, but nothing to serious. He must have caught a bug from being out in the cold for so long." as if by magic the worry that had been so evident on Karen's face seemed to fade.

" Thank you for looking after him, I better go see if he is alright." at the sound of this Lucas began to make his way into his bed, to ensure that Ricks story seemed more viable. As he saw his bedroom door open Lucas wanted to cry, to just collapse in tears, but Lucas fought this feeling instead he lay still and allowed his body to give in to the convulsions.

"Hey sweetie" she said lovingly. "I heard you were ill, you ok?" Lucas could just make out a nod to signal that he was fine. "ok baby I will let you rest". Lucas watched her head for the door. "Mum, wait." he said with a croaky voice, but just as he was about to continue he caught site of the warning eyes of Rick in the distance. "I would do anything for you mum, you know that right?"

"of course I do sweetie, now go to sleep." As he heard the door close he felt the shaking ease and the pain from his body increase and so he lay there looking up into the darkness, preparing himself for what would come tomorrow.

_End of flashback…_

Lucas was stirred from his reverie by the sound of his bedroom door opening. He felt a moment of confusion overwhelm him as he was taken over by the feeling that he was in the memory that he had relived but a moment ago. Karen approached Lucas and could almost immediately see the evident redness of his eyes, but as she knew all to well Lucas would never share his feelings with her, he would remain within his walls, and no kind words could possibly change that.


	3. the places you hav come to fear the most

-1 Lucas stared at his mother as she sat by his side, he was wondering why she was looking at him as if she was searching for something, some type of feeling or emotion that, considering the current circumstances would usually be etched across a persons face. Lucas knew that she wanted him to open up, to look at his mother and feel that he could release his emotions and allow himself to crumble and for her to rebuild him, but as Karen desperately and intently stared into Lucas' eyes she was met with the all to familiar gaze of stone and ice. In an last effort to try and comfort her son Karen reached out her hand, as if Lucas was falling, falling into fear or darkness and her hand was his salvation. As Lucas became aware of the interaction that his mother was about to attempt to make, Lucas' eyes widened in fear and panic, his fragile body was thrown back off the bed, almost knocking him off his feet, simply to stray away from such a connection, which in his mind was to protect him from weakening, from becoming the useless, fragile, fool that he had for so long thought he was.

"For Gods sake Luke, I am your mother, why won't you let me help you, you wont even let me touch you." Karen's outburst took Lucas by surprise, his eyes remained fixated on the floor, he did not know how to react, what to say, this time he did not know how to help.

"The least you can do is answer me," her voice began to rise, and rise like the rolling of a and drum, and it did not take long for it to inform the guests that had previously been so blissfully unaware, of the troubles that lay within the walls of the house.

"Its ok to be upset Lucas, I mean, do you have no emotions? Do you not care at all? Your uncle is dead, cant you even shed one fucking tear for a man who sacrificed his whole life to raise you?" Lucas looked up, horrified at the words his mother had just said, the mother he had protected when no one else had, a pain that Lucas had never felt before began to rise in side of his chest, the pain took his breath away, but he remained calm. He opened his mouth to respond but his eyes caught sight of the audience that had formed around his room. He could see people like Nathan, the brother he never knew, Dan the father he never had, and soon the pain he felt was replaced with hate. It rose in him like fire.

"I would cry for him, and I will, but you don't deserve to see it, you don't deserve to think that you have any hold over me. That died with Keith." Lucas said as tears began to well in his eyes, he tried to fight them, to kill the demons that were haunting his fragile mind, but the darkness he spent years fighting was closing in around him, he was loosing sight of all the things that once gave him strength and any second he would be swallowed by the great wave of darkness that threatened collapse on him. The room was silent, some waiting hopefully to see the next reaction as if it was a movie, others too horrified to speak, but most were fighting back the tears, but this was simply the silence before the storm.

"Why won't you let me love you Lucas!? Why won't you let me all the way in, or even just a bit,? You're so cold to me, and I don't know what I can do!" As Karen finished her sentence she collapsed in tears, but soon looked up to see tears running down her dear sons face, and for a second, just a second she saw her little boy, scared and vulnerable. She sat up and tried to approach him, but Lucas grabbed her gentle arms and with his deep blue eyes that resounded an ageless sorrow he spoke.

"Because whether or not you want to hear this, it will kill me, you have no idea what I am keeping locked up, if I was to let it take me, I would never come back." as the last word rolled off his lips Lucas turned and ran out the door. Leaving Karen crying on the floor holding her arms, as if trying to hold onto her son, that if she held him tight enough she could save him, save him from the darkness, save him from himself.

_flashback…_

Fear. Fear is like a slow moving poison, every inch of it that courses through you leaves a mark, a mark that lives in your memory. To be afraid is to be alone, but being alone is where fear truly lies. It lies in the tricks that your mind plays on you, when your sitting scared and alone in the dark, it lies in the veiling of your future path, it lies within us all. To achieve freedom of your fear, does that mean you must first find freedom from yourself?

Lucas lay content on his bed for the first time in three years. He lay on his stomach with his feet in the air, staring with such a devoted enthusiasm towards Keith. Keith in Lucas' eyes was strength, he was why every time he laughed and a sharp pain shot through his ribs, he didn't care. Rick and Karen had decided to go away for the weekend, leaving Lucas in Keith's care. When Lucas was around Keith he felt like a normal child, a child who did not have to conceal their bruised covered body, or endure the traumatising, yet devastatingly addictive drugs, he was just a carefree child.

"So." Keith said trying to not sound as intrigued and as jealous as Lucas knew he was. "how long has your mum been with Rick, I mean they can't be that serious?" he spoke wishfully, "can they?"

The sound of Ricks name sent chills down Lucas' spine, but he could not suppress a laugh at the way Keith was acting. "About three years now, wait they met when I was eight, and I am eleven now, yeh three years," as he thought about how long he had been being tormented by Rick his smile soon faded.

"So they are pretty close then?" Keith said disappointedly " not that I am trying to turn you against him or anything," he began trying to plaster on the most genuine face he could, " but I never really liked him." Lucas was beyond ecstatic, for so long he had waited and hoped that someone would share his distrust and disgust towards him, and he could only have dreamed it would have been Keith. In an attempt to conceal his enjoyment Lucas just nodded to show his sign of agreement towards his feelings. As the conversation between him and Keith continued , the growing pains in Lucas' stomach were becoming unbearable, it felt like his stomach had been cut with a razor until it was raw. He looked down to see his now pale hand shaking, it was shaking like a thin, weak branch in a strong winters wind. He sat down on his hand in an attempt to conceal it from Keith, but the pain and fear was becoming evident on Lucas' face.

"Hey Luke, Luke." Keith's face was covered in fear, he could see something was wrong with Lucas so he repeated himself in an effort to get Lucas' attention. "Are you ok kid? You're shaking and you look really pale." He slowly began to approach Lucas.

"I um, I am ah, I'm fine." Lucas sat up and placed him self firmly against the wall in an effort to relive the pain but as he lay there his body began to uncontrollably convulse, causing his fragile body to violently connect with the wall. His skin began to break as it continued to interact with the wall. Keith soon realised that Lucas had tears running down his face. He ran towards him and with a strong, but univalent, gentle manner, he held him in his arms. He could feel Lucas' small body smack repetitively against his arms and legs. Keith cried into Lucas' shaking arm, he was so scared, he loved this boy like his son, what was he meant to do?

"I am scared Keith." Lucas said desperately . As Keith looked down into his eyes he saw such sorrow, and he knew it was not a recent, temporary sorrow, it was the type that never leaves you.

"Lucas look at me, look at me I am going to take you the doctors, I am going to help you." Lucas' eyes filled with terror, and with complete desperation he clung to Keith's shirt.

"Please Keith. No you can't take me, you just can't do it."

"Okay, okay, I am going to carry you to the Kitchen , see if I can give you something. Okay?" Lucas nodded weakly. As Keith lifted Lucas' almost non existent body he heard him scream out , a scream that was so deafening, so heart breaking, and so full of pain it killed Keith to hear it.

After a couple of hours Lucas fell asleep in Keith's arms, his cheeks still wet, as a road is just after a rainstorm. Keith held onto him so tight, just so scared to let go, to loose him, but Keith knew that what happened tonight he would never let happen again,.

_End of flashback…_


End file.
